Wanted to get this posted, even though it’s draft form and requires clicking on the Curbed LA link as well as their link to the plan itself.
It’s massive, but well worth taking a look at. I believe plans of this sort, while arguably a wish list of lots of things that won’t get done, or won’t get done right away, are still the key to livability here in the Los Angeles region.
As a cyclist, my focus is first on that part of the plan, followed by the public transportation (train and bus) plans. While I haven’t looked at the entire Mobility Plan yet, one statistic that jumped out was that bicycle commuting has increased over 50% in the ten year period from 2000 – 2010.
It’s the perfect place to bicycle – great weather, practically every day it’s an option, and the landscape is something like 85% flat. We just have to make it safe for everyone – the cyclists, the pedestrians, and the drivers in their cars.
A lot of the plan is aspirational like the Curbed piece says. Something to shoot for. I’d like to live in the city that’s described here.
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Here’s another in my series about Gay Dating Post-50 (soon to be post-60, for yours truly).
Much has been written about cruising, and logically so, this type of prose or advice is usually geared to younger men, just coming out men, men ripe for a relationship and increasingly, these days, marriage.
That’s all fine and good and is certainly the way you’d expect, even the way it should be. There are, however, legions of single older guys out there who still would like relationships – or if not that, they’d still like to meet guys, have fun, date, have hook-ups, what have you.
In the traditional gay community, we’ve met at the bar, or possibly the sex club or baths. These two venues were the gold standard for basically all of my pre-internet years, from the very first time at The Back Door in Madison, Wisconsin (not making that up), to my first furtive attempt to access the L.A. Delos BBS on a dial-up external modem internet connection. (Can you hear that little hiss and tonal thing those things made as they were attempting to connect you to the world wide web? If so, you’re an old thing, like me.)
The problem with both classic venues is that they’re flawed. In a number of ways. Both typically favor youth. It’s not that they don’t let older guys in, but bars typically get going very late for someone who’s usually in bed by 10:30 p.m. Same for the baths, which are usually busiest in the wee hours. Additionally, both these venues are perhaps not the healthiest places, the one encouraging alcohol use and liquid courage, and the other (at least in the U.S., and certainly not all places) encouraging or accepting drug use. But the most problematic aspect of both these venues is that the older guy will be vastly outnumbered and thus often rendered invisible.
As an older guy you want a) the numbers on your side and b) a way to show of your worldly experience and charm, which is one of age’s great gifts.
So here’s too broad ideas: a) using your home/apt/cave as venue, and b) taking the venue out to a neutral location.
Your Home
Like they say, a man’s home is his castle and this is one area where an older guy can show off what the years have made him — whether it’s his cooking skills, his delightful conversation, his music collection or the instrument he plays, his library, items from his life and travels that have fascinating histories, etc. The list is almost endless. How wonderful it is to spend some time in the company of a man who is comfortable in his own skin, and who makes you feel the most important person in the world in the entertainment “performance” he puts on for you, esteemed guest. So consider inviting the object of your affection or lust over, and plan to dazzle him.
Taking the Venue on the Road
This is where you utilize a restaurant, a museum, a hiking trail, a concert, etc., as your cruising venue — and you can actually be cruising, because this place is one you know intimately and one you can share as a gift with the object of your affection. So, in other words, take your man to a special exhibition at the local museum and stun him with your knowledge and appreciation of the subject, perhaps followed by a visit to a local restaurant you’ve already picked out to introduce him to some of your favorite foods. This isn’t something most younger men would think of to do, and most younger guys do not have the worldview to even suggest it. Let them deal with their hormones; someone must.
If you find yourself single, these are also great places for the older gay man to actually, quite literally, cruise. It’s an appropriate venue because it’s one you know well and one which is part of who you are, because you’ve spent the time to let in infuse itself into your being – and now you’d love to pass that on to another man as your gift today. Believe me, he’s hungry for it. So dust off that fedora, put on your best cruising outfit and get out there.
Comments? I love them. You notice I ignored online venues. That’s because I don’t think the ROI is really there – it’s more of a way to pass the time, a diversion. Thoughts?
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This is the year I turn 60. I’ve been thinking a lot about this next chapter of my life, as if, I divided it into thirds, well, the first two thirds are kind of over (not much we can do about that!) and there remains the last third – which, if I’m lucky enough to be like a few of my relatives, living to 90 or beyond is perhaps possible.
I do think that as gay men we put an extreme value on physicality and sexual attractiveness, and I’m certainly not immune to that. For many years, I equated much of my self-worth with how attractive it was I appeared to other men, i.e., if they wanted me, then I must have been worth something.
And it was true — sadly, perhaps, though it just speaks to our American culture and the gay American culture specifically — once I started working out at gyms when I was 28, a lot more invitations for intimacy came my way. So, while I always said I loved fitness because it made me healthier, the better reason is I loved it cause it got me laid.
And so, at a couple of weeks away from 60, those invitations have largely slowed down – not to an absolute dead gridlock stop, but let’s say they’re more on par with that slow roll to a sobriety checkpoint on a weekend night.
if you are fortunate enough to be really pretty, this gradual loss of looks is probably much harder. Added to that, for so many of us, at least of my boomer generation and likely many younger people, were fed lies as to our native self-worth as young, in the closet gays. Were you bullied? I was certainly called names; I didn’t regard that as bullying until recently, because it mostly never involved any physical violence — but there are other kinds of violence. Did you try to be the best little boy in the world? I did, that translated into being a perfectionist later in life. So if your self-worth is all tied up in the gym and how you look, and what happens when that starts to fade? What happens when the marketplace of jobs also decides you are too old, which often happens concurrently? What then, this double whammy?
It’s almost like the ageist culture expects everybody to die at 45! If your sexual and employment currency is changed or diminished, who is it that I am now, where is my place?
If you can’t get laid anymore, or don’t care that much about it anymore, are you still gay? While that might seem to be a ridiculous question, so much of what the community values and defines itself as directly ties in with our sexual expression, so what happens when that’s gone or there’s much less of it? Who are we then?
If all it is that we value are the benefits and rewards of youth, what happens when those go away? You change your thinking, that’s what happens. You change your definition of what it all means, and you find the things of value.
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It bears repeating that so many of the men of my generation and those a few years older/younger have already had half our friends die well before their time. Included among those dead are the men who were leaders of our community and would likely have been role models as aging gay men. There are a few out there, but not that many, not a huge number, and certainly not in the media. Largely, this script will be written by us, and we’re going to have to make it up as we go along.
So, what does the community value beyond those benefits directly related to sexuality?
I’ve been on a hunt for this for a few years, looking for values that are more than skin deep. Places where we might direct our efforts once other avenues are closed off. Looking for some broad directions for the next third of my life. This is what I’ve found (and this story in Psychology Today made me think more about it). We value:
Service — we are the community that took care of our own during the worst of the AIDS plague years and continue to be responsible for people of all stripes through our compassionate nature and the institutions that we’ve built up for community service.
Spectacle — we are the tribe that largely gives the world Broadway and Hollywood. Surely, all those men creating fabulousness are not all under 40, and the realm of joy-giving is not limited by age.
Camp — who was it, the incredible Fran Lebowitz, who said, “If you remove all the homosexuals and homosexual influences from what is generally regarded as American culture, you are pretty much left with Let’s Make a Deal.” We are able to see truth as outsiders, and are able to make our own fun out of it.
Nature — Gay people have traditionally been keepers of the relationship with that world, either by shamanism or other mystical and spiritual traditions.
Beauty — we’ve pretty much done your hair and designed your clothes and interiors from time immemorial. An elder value in beauty is not to lose sight of it, and to point it out for those whose hearts are hurting or can’t see it.
Activism, Fierceness, Righteousness — I see this in the current fights for marriage equality, and to expose those regimes in other parts of the world that threaten gay people’s actual existence. This is a group that’s not afraid to stand up for what is right and for what it believes in. Older gays, especially those without the time drag of full time career-type jobs, can staff and lead these organizations, again, being of service.
Mentoring and Legacy — Gays have also always been overrepresented in the teaching professions. In families, we often assume this role for nieces and nephews. We have much to give younger people of all persuasions, but particularly to our young gay brothers and sisters who were born into a much different world that we were.
So those are some initial thoughts on future direction. Of course, I’ll continue to write novels and other things, in fact, I have a book coming out later this year. I’ll update this blog or write additional when I think of more. . . and I welcome comments.
“Kept,” my upcoming novel, has a first draft in the bag. Or, should I say, in the binder — which is where I put it after I had it printed out.
The very first thing I do with drafts of completed works is read through them (making minimal marks on the manuscript, hard for someone who’s been an editor) to see if the work makes sense. As in, is it coherent? Does it have a beginning, a middle, a climax and a denouement? Because what would be more ghastly, really, that not making sense? Not much I can think of, at least in this realm.
So for you, dear person interested in the steps to self-publishing, this it the first step in editing. The read through. By the way, here is the logline I came up with for “Kept,” which I originally wrote as a spec screenplay:
“Kept” is a desert neo-noir about Jorge, a young illegal immigrant who becomes a target in a deadly real estate scam and must learn to survive a twisted world of double crosses and deception.
which, I’ll admit, only hints at the story but does give you the name of the major character, tells you where it’s set and that it involves crime and real estate. The point of that exercise is for interested parties (producers, actors, etc.) to say “tell me more” or “not for me.” For the novel, a small synopsis paragraph will be better, though I’m not quite at the marketing materials stage yet.
My next task in self-editing is to go through the manuscript editing for plot. Like I said, the read-though indicated coherence, but there are tweaks necessary and desirable. I’ll give you an update once I’m there and let you know what the next step will be.
Do you like this cover concept? (The image of the guy near the windmills?) I wish I owned it, but I may re-create it.
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Especially handy is a section where the authors refute all the usual lies about Social Security – that we can’t afford it, that it’s going broke, that it’s not sustainable, that it’s unfair, that the demographics don’t work, etc. They take all these “conventional wisdom” lies and half-truths, unpacking them one by one with the reality of the situation – which is, in fact, this most popular government program in the nation’s history is on very solid footing. Highly recommended.
Pretty excited! Normally I try for original content here but I’m just so pleased that CicLAvia is coming to my neighborhood on Sunday, March 22, a mere 2 days after my birthday, so it’s like an extension of frivolity. If you’re in L.A. and have a bike, come on out. It’s flat, the weather will most likely be appropriately spring-like (or even hot) and it’s a great route with a lot to see along the way, from NoHo Arts District to Universal City to the Farmers Market I attend every Sunday. Will I see you there?
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I’m kind of thrilled that my blog post “Ten Reasons Younger Gay Men Like Older Gay Men” has become so popular (the most popular by far of any blog post I’ve ever written) though I suspect a lot of those people are looking for porn and are likely disappointed once they see I have none on my site. Oh well. . .
So in that vein, those of you who are interested in having an older gentleman in your life must approach the task differently than you would if you were going after another 25-year-old. At the very least you will have more success if you follow some or all of my suggestions below.
Here they are, in no particular order, how to seduce that older gay man:
Persistence pays. Really. Those of us over 50 have a lot on our plates, and when we don’t, we’re catching up on other things like errands and binge-watching “Orange is the New Black.” Never, ever think of yourself as a pest — there is a lot of truth to that old saw about the squeaky wheel being the one that gets greased. Keep asking, and don’t give up. Keep. Asking. I can vouch for this one from personal experience.
Afternoon delight. Your over-50 man is, well, he’s over 50. There is some truth to another familiar old saying — “old and tired.” They weren’t kidding about the tired part! Especially at night. Your man probably has a lot of daytime commitments and the goddess knows that at this age any kind of beauty rest helps. That’s what I’m saying about “afternoon delight.” Most guys I know who are my age, more or less, really like having sex in the afternoon. Sorry young men, but at midnight we’ve already been asleep in our jammies for an hour or more.
Low noise level. Your man is not likely to enjoy a lot of things over a certain decibel level, such as dance clubs where the most fun is stuffing dollars in go-go boy jockstraps (wait, maybe that would work with earplugs) or rock concerts for anybody who got famous after, say, 1980. So he’s just not going to be there; go if you like, but don’t expect to meet him there.
Educate yourself on the best online venues. Grudgingly, it seems inevitable that websites and apps will replace some of the “cute meet” of days gone by. Like those days gone by for the entire history of human beings, but I digress – it worked well enough for all generations of gay men up to this one, but for some reason (could it be laziness?) people don’t want to go out in public anymore. So, there are some online destinations better for those over 50. Think Scruff, not Grindr; think Silverdaddies or Daddyhunt rather than Adam4Adam or Dudesnude. And, if you’re looking for someone over the age of, say, 60, I’d eliminate smart phone apps altogether. It’s just not gonna happen.
Educate yourself on the best offline venues. Again, forget the loud clubs all the young guys go to. Coffeehouses, art galleries, museums, civic/political gatherings, community college or university extension classes, specific groups that cater to an over-50 crowd (for instance, here in Los Angeles we have the LGBT Community Center, which has a lot of programming for this group; there’s also groups like the California Men’s Gathering, which consists largely of middle-aged to older gay men and those who appreciate them).
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Be direct – I can’t emphasize this enough. Older guys who may be interested in an advance from a younger man likely won’t make the first move — why? Because there’s an enormous stigma and the possibility of ridicule looms fairly high here. People are also confused as to what constitutes romantic or sexual interest and what is just friendliness. For those of us over 50, gaydar is also significantly hampered by the younger generations all appearing the same – it used to be easy to figure out who was gay or straight; now, not so much. So if you’re a young guy and you like an older guy, let him know in very clear terms. This will really get things moving along much more quickly.
Anticipate his interests: appreciate that he’s been on the planet longer, so indeed may have other interests, which may include things like books, plays, opera, gardening, travel — to just mention a few — or he may have none of these interests. What is likely, though, is that his interests and yours won’t be the same, and he can learn from you, as well as you learning from him. But it’s important to have that willingness and to not expect to like the same things.
Cultivate a desire for long lovemaking sessions: it took me a long time to realize that activity between two men where only one of them or even neither of them climaxes is still sex. Maybe not the usual ideal we’re fed in standard porn, but it’s sex nonetheless. Don’t denigrate kissing and cuddling, either. His physical response as an older man will likely be fierce and highly practiced, however it may take a while for that fire to get going. He’s also probably not going to like an attitude of “wham bam, thank you Sam.” Luxuriate in that bliss which has taken a lifetime to mature.
Cultivate an expertise in a wide variety of sexual expression. Again, there is that standard porn script which all of us have seen ad nauseam — it all starts with the kiss, goes to oral and ends up anal with someone getting boinked. There’s really so much more, so read up. There’s leather, there’s water sports, there’s rubber, there’s probably a giant list of things even I haven’t heard about at my advanced age. I guess younger people are as apt as older to be interested in lots of different things, I just think of older guys having been around longer and interested in more. But heck, I could be wrong. Read or listen to Dan Savage for awhile, his advice show is illuminating for the variations in people’s sexual tastes. Also, just because he’s older, don’t assume he will be the “top” all the time. His fondest desire may be to be under you on the living room rug being drilled into next week.
Finally, resist the urge to know everything. There’s one of my favorite quotes, often misappropriated to Oscar Wilde, but it’s actually from J.M. Barrie, “The Admirable Crichton”: I’m not young enough to know everything. Don’t try to impress him by being an expert on every subject. I’m sure you’re smart and knowledgeable and all that, but no one likes to be reminded of it, and you’ll likely trip up at some point. Regardless, that kind of behavior is obnoxious and you don’t want him to slip away, now do you?
Thought this was interesting — especially because I don’t think Americans generally realize how much the automobile – not just the gas but everything associated with them – is heavily subsidized by government, which means taxpayers, which means all of us.
Or it’s at least not top of mind. We are so used to the relatively low cost of gas, we just freak when it gets near $5 a gallon, not realizing that even that price, which seems outrageous, is really outrageously cheap!
I urge you to read it for the perspective, because we often don’t think about the externalities of things which in our economy are not often paid for. Or they’re paid for by someone else. And/or we all suffer for it.
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I’ve often thought that real folks who make out here, the real bandits, are the auto companies themselves — as they really do require paved roads for their products, which are fairly useless without them. How much do General Motors, Ford, Toyota, Daimler Chrysler and all the rest pay for road construction?
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So, this. I suppose there’s always those who will find some kind of problem with an intergenerational relationship, but as this linked article points out, it’s usually OK for the older man/younger woman; not so much if you’re an older woman with a younger man or possibly same sex partners.
Of course, in the gay community there’s plenty of precedent for younger/older: one of the most well-known gay relationships in our demimonde was between Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy, who were 30 years apart in age.
More recently, there’s the celebrity couple writer Dustin Lance Black and Olympian Tom Daley, where there’s about a 20 year age difference between them. It seems to be working out just fine, as are gazillions of these types of age-differential couplings who are not as famous.
I love that we’re living in a world where these couples can celebrate their relationships, and not only do they don’t mind but look forward to talking about themselves publicly. We’ve come such a long way, yet there’s still so much to do and so much hate directed at LGBT around the world.
Sometimes, it’s good just to be grateful for how far we’ve come. So, I say, best wishes for a long and happy life, Stephen and Elliott.
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“Kept,” my upcoming novel, has a first draft in the bag. Or, should I say, in the binder — which is where I put it after I had it printed out.
I’m kind of thrilled that my blog post 
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