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Cruising on My Own Turf

oh hi there

oh hi there

Here’s another in my series about Gay Dating Post-50 (soon to be post-60, for yours truly).

Much has been written about cruising, and logically so, this type of prose or advice is usually geared to younger men, just coming out men, men ripe for a relationship and increasingly, these days, marriage.

That’s all fine and good and is certainly the way you’d expect, even the way it should be. There are, however, legions of single older guys out there who still would like relationships – or if not that, they’d still like to meet guys, have fun, date, have hook-ups, what have you.

In the traditional gay community, we’ve met at the bar, or possibly the sex club or baths. These two venues were the gold standard for basically all of my pre-internet years, from the very first time at The Back Door in Madison, Wisconsin (not making that up), to my first furtive attempt to access the L.A. Delos BBS on a dial-up external modem internet connection. (Can you hear that little hiss and tonal thing those things made as they were attempting to connect you to the world wide web? If so, you’re an old thing, like me.)

The problem with both classic venues is that they’re flawed. In a number of ways. Both typically favor youth. It’s not that they don’t let older guys in, but bars typically get going very late for someone who’s usually in bed by 10:30 p.m. Same for the baths, which are usually busiest in the wee hours. Additionally, both these venues are perhaps not the healthiest places, the one encouraging alcohol use and liquid courage, and the other (at least in the U.S., and certainly not all places) encouraging or accepting drug use. But the most problematic aspect of both these venues is that the older guy will be vastly outnumbered and thus often rendered invisible.

As an older guy you want a) the numbers on your side and b) a way to show of your worldly experience and charm, which is one of age’s great gifts.

So here’s too broad ideas: a) using your home/apt/cave as venue, and b) taking the venue out to a neutral location.

Your Home

Like they say, a man’s home is his castle and this is one area where an older guy can show off what the years have made him — whether it’s his cooking skills, his delightful conversation, his music collection or the instrument he plays, his library, items from his life and travels that have fascinating histories, etc. The list is almost endless. How wonderful it is to spend some time in the company of a man who is comfortable in his own skin, and who makes you feel the most important person in the world in the entertainment “performance” he puts on for you, esteemed guest. So consider inviting the object of your affection or lust over, and plan to dazzle him.

Taking the Venue on the Road

This is where you utilize a restaurant, a museum, a hiking trail, a concert, etc., as your cruising venue — and you can actually be cruising, because this place is one you know intimately and one you can share as a gift with the object of your affection. So, in other words, take your man to a special  exhibition at the local museum and stun him with your knowledge and appreciation of the subject, perhaps followed by a visit to a local restaurant you’ve already picked out to introduce him to some of your favorite foods. This isn’t something most younger men would think of to do, and most younger guys do not have the worldview to even suggest it. Let them deal with their hormones; someone must.

If you find yourself single, these are also great places for the older gay man to actually, quite literally, cruise. It’s an appropriate venue because it’s one you know well and one which is part of who you are, because you’ve spent the time to let in infuse itself into your being – and now you’d love to pass that on to another man as your gift today. Believe me, he’s hungry for it. So dust off that fedora, put on your best cruising outfit and get out there.

Comments? I love them. You notice I ignored online venues. That’s because I don’t think the ROI is really there – it’s more of a way to pass the time, a diversion. Thoughts?

Here’s a link to Ten Reasons Younger Gay Men Like Older Gay Men.

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A Gay Man’s Guide to Dating After 50 — an AARP take!

photo: AARP

Dear friends, I realize I haven’t posted in a week! I guess it was the post-Amtrak depression or something. Having to do the laundry. Exchanging the Midwest and East and South’s heatwave for the one finally arriving in California. . . but . . . I am back.

And —

Honestly, I don’t think much about gay dating. Or, really, any kind of dating. Specifically, for me, I guess that would be one middle-aged gay man looking for another middle-aged gay man (or perhaps, being more creative, looking for some inter-generational spice, which I’ve certainly done).


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Maybe I’ve already achieved tip #5 in Dave Singleton‘s list in AARP’s “The Gay Man’s Guide to Dating after 50,” which is “realizing you can be single and happy.” But before we get into that, can we please just be gobsmacked that such a story even exists on something like the AARP website? OK, kids, we have come a really long way! If you’re like me (over 50) you probably also get an insane amount of junk mail from AARP. Well, this story makes me like the organization just a little bit more.

It also allows me to put in a plug for a book that I use as a guide post to these years – “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife,” by Harold Kooden, Ph.D., and Charles Flowers — who I’ve met now that he’s moved to Los Angeles. If you have any questions or concerns about navigating those years — and who doesn’t, cause, let’s face it guys, the role models we would’ve had are largely dead and gone — they’re addressed in here. The book also provides a guided writing format for those interested in doing their own searching (loved that part!).

Anyway, back to dating. I do believe it was in this book where I read something along the lines of “it’s the shrewd older gay man who cruises on his own turf.” (quotes mine) By that, I took it to mean that instead of doing things like going to bars where the lovely twentysomethings, thirtysomethings, all hang out and impress each other, perhaps invite a suitor or a group of friends to your home, where you can show off those unique gifts of time – your cooking prowess, cultivated taste in music, thoughts on current events and literature, etc. – we all have these no matter what they are – that show off the man inside.

Thoughts? Do you date? What, exactly, is a date?

 

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