Tag Archives: intergenerational gay dating

Real Stories of Older-Younger, Man to Man Sex 2: Nick

So Nick isn’t his real name, and that’s not really his photo, either. Needed something to make you look, did I not? Anyway, here’s another older-younger meet, and how I remember it.

Nick lives in a city in the same state as I do, a city I used to live in myself and that I often visit, though less so in the last couple of years. Hopefully, that will be rectified, and I can see Nick and others like him more often.

I’m not sure exactly which app I met Nick through, but I am sure it was internet-mediated. Absolutely did not meet on the street or in any other meet-cute sort of way. I’m somewhat sure it was daddyhunt (daddyhunt.com) and as I think I’ve stated elsewhere, even if I didn’t meet that many guys in sheer number from silverdaddies or daddyhunt, the quality of those I did meet with what I was looking for (and what they were looking for) was way more on target every single time than the all-ages focus of apps like Grindr and Scruff.

I was staying with a relative the first time I met Nick and although it was initially kind of embarrassing to let this straight woman know I had a (hopefully) sexual liaison planned. I got over it, though, and she was eminently cool about it though I detected some hesitation on her part about the difference in our ages. She got over that and I got over feeling slutty.

Anyway. I met Nick at a pre-arranged coffeeshop, late afternoon. It was raining, as is kind of normal for this city. We had the requisite coffee and donut or cookie. Nick was around 30, about my height (5-7, could have been taller but not by much), light brown or dark blond hair. Build substantial, not fat, more like corn fed very healthy type of composition. He was charming and enthusiastic, maybe just a touch unsure of himself, which to me made him even more desirable, at least in the moment.

We both knew that this was most likely not an ongoing romance, but we did want to have sex, and neither of us had a place where we could host (he lived with roommates; I was staying in my relative’s living room with her cat), but Nick was resourceful. He knew of a place fairly close by that rented jacuzzi rooms by the hour.
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A short bus ride (yes, we took a city bus together to our tryst) away, this love location was an all-orientation business. In the individual rooms, there was not only your very own jacuzzi, but a full size bed (actually, I think it was an air mattress but a very substantial one with a high base), and a shower. In the cool and rainy weather the room was also heated appropriately so it was perfectly comfortable to get naked — which we did.

Can I tell you how much I do love having sex in a water environment? Because I do; because of residual effects from prostate cancer, the inevitable tiny leaks I experience when having sexual activity upright were just frankly not noticeable. Which I appreciate.

So most of the action between Nick and I occurred in the jacuzzi, and it was consummated, you might say, on the bed. We didn’t take longer than our hour, but we did make the most of it. There even was time for some cuddling and spooning and pillow talk. Nick had (has!) a large penis and did not seem to realize this much (or, at least, at this stage in our interactions, he did not say anything to emphasize this) which was a bit of a surprise. Obviously, it was an extra added attraction to the jacuzzi room.

We kept in touch via the Internet and still do. It’s great to see some of the younger guys I’ve known this way finish schooling and start careers (the case with Nick). We’ve gotten together since that initial time and probably will again, if I can make a visit and we can time it right. By now he’s had more experience with men and knows his size is something, let’s say, above average, and has told me thus and how he wants to use it to more effect with me. I say go for it. I’d like that.

Cruising on My Own Turf

oh hi there

Here’s another in my series about Gay Dating Post-50 (soon to be post-60, for yours truly).

Much has been written about cruising, and logically so, this type of prose or advice is usually geared to younger men, just coming out men, men ripe for a relationship and increasingly, these days, marriage.

That’s all fine and good and is certainly the way you’d expect, even the way it should be. There are, however, legions of single older guys out there who still would like relationships – or if not that, they’d still like to meet guys, have fun, date, have hook-ups, what have you.

In the traditional gay community, we’ve met at the bar, or possibly the sex club or baths. These two venues were the gold standard for basically all of my pre-internet years, from the very first time at The Back Door in Madison, Wisconsin (not making that up), to my first furtive attempt to access the L.A. Delos BBS on a dial-up external modem internet connection. (Can you hear that little hiss and tonal thing those things made as they were attempting to connect you to the world wide web? If so, you’re an old thing, like me.)

The problem with both classic venues is that they’re flawed. In a number of ways. Both typically favor youth. It’s not that they don’t let older guys in, but bars typically get going very late for someone who’s usually in bed by 10:30 p.m. Same for the baths, which are usually busiest in the wee hours. Additionally, both these venues are perhaps not the healthiest places, the one encouraging alcohol use and liquid courage, and the other (at least in the U.S., and certainly not all places) encouraging or accepting drug use. But the most problematic aspect of both these venues is that the older guy will be vastly outnumbered and thus often rendered invisible.

As an older guy you want a) the numbers on your side and b) a way to show of your worldly experience and charm, which is one of age’s great gifts.

So here’s too broad ideas: a) using your home/apt/cave as venue, and b) taking the venue out to a neutral location.

Your Home

Like they say, a man’s home is his castle and this is one area where an older guy can show off what the years have made him — whether it’s his cooking skills, his delightful conversation, his music collection or the instrument he plays, his library, items from his life and travels that have fascinating histories, etc. The list is almost endless. How wonderful it is to spend some time in the company of a man who is comfortable in his own skin, and who makes you feel the most important person in the world in the entertainment “performance” he puts on for you, esteemed guest. So consider inviting the object of your affection or lust over, and plan to dazzle him.

Taking the Venue on the Road

This is where you utilize a restaurant, a museum, a hiking trail, a concert, etc., as your cruising venue — and you can actually be cruising, because this place is one you know intimately and one you can share as a gift with the object of your affection. So, in other words, take your man to a special exhibition at the local museum and stun him with your knowledge and appreciation of the subject, perhaps followed by a visit to a local restaurant you’ve already picked out to introduce him to some of your favorite foods. This isn’t something most younger men would think of to do, and most younger guys do not have the worldview to even suggest it. Let them deal with their hormones; someone must.

If you find yourself single, these are also great places for the older gay man to actually, quite literally, cruise. It’s an appropriate venue because it’s one you know well and one which is part of who you are, because you’ve spent the time to let in infuse itself into your being – and now you’d love to pass that on to another man as your gift today. Believe me, he’s hungry for it. So dust off that fedora, put on your best cruising outfit and get out there.

Comments? I love them. You notice I ignored online venues. That’s because I don’t think the ROI is really there – it’s more of a way to pass the time, a diversion. Thoughts?

Here’s a link to Ten Reasons Younger Gay Men Like Older Gay Men.

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A Few Tips for Dating a Mature Gay Man

Christopher Isherwood (l) and Don Bachardy in the late ’70s.

The heart wants what the heart wants, as do other body parts. So, if you find yourself on the cusp of an intergenerational adult romance, here are some tips for dating that more mature gay man:

Earlier is better. When they coined that phrase, “old and tired,” they weren’t kidding about the tired part. Not quite sure why or how it happens, but most people of my age group (50s-60s) are in their jammies winding down most nights by 10. (there are always exceptions, but my anecdotal survey confirms this)
Go ahead and approach, don’t wait for him to do it if you’re a younger appreciating an older. Our culture is rife with nasty ageism, and he will be hesitant unless he knows you’re bound to be receptive to an interest. He’d love it to be approached.
Don’t make all your interactions with texts or facebook messages, please. Use the phone to, you know, actually talk. I have one friendship with a 20-something guy where it’s always text, never voice, which to me feels totally alien.

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Don’t expect him to have the same priorities or interests as you do. Expect him, at some point, to reference why it is that there’s not tons and tons of men of similar age around for you to ogle — that’s right, the Plague Years. You won’t want to hear this, it’s all very sad — but it’s a big part of his life and something you should know about your history.
Expect his friends to think of you as a golddigger or other kind of lowlife, at least at first, and you’ll have to earn their trust, even if that is perhaps unfair.
Expect your friends to think you’ve gone insane and to say things like “what could you possibly see in that old man?” which is also unfair. Have your answer ready.
He’ll likely expect to always pay, at least initially. Surprise him by not letting that always happen.
Realize that following up and actually doing what you said you were going to do will loom large in his book, in other words, don’t be a flake, it’s hard enough introducing you to everyone as his nephew.
Afternoon delight is a very good thing. They even wrote a song about it. He’s much more likely to want to fool around when he’s got the energy and that’s going to be during the day.

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