A Few Tips for Dating a Mature Gay Man

Christopher Isherwood (l) and Don Bachardy in the late '70s.

Christopher Isherwood (l) and Don Bachardy in the late ’70s.

The heart wants what the heart wants, as do other body parts. So, if you find yourself on the cusp of an intergenerational adult romance, here are some tips for dating that more mature gay man:

  • Earlier is better. When they coined that phrase, “old and tired,” they weren’t kidding about the tired part. Not quite sure why or how it happens, but most people of my age group (50s-60s) are in their jammies winding down most nights by 10. (there are always exceptions, but my anecdotal survey confirms this)
  • Go ahead and approach, don’t wait for him to do it if you’re a younger appreciating an older. Our culture is rife with nasty ageism, and he will be hesitant unless he knows you’re bound to be receptive to an interest. He’d love it to be approached.
  • Don’t make all your interactions with texts or facebook messages, please. Use the phone to, you know, actually talk. I have one friendship with a 20-something guy where it’s always text, never voice, which to me feels totally alien.
  • Don’t expect him to have the same priorities or interests as you do. Expect him, at some point, to reference why it is that there’s not tons and tons of men of similar age around for you to ogle — that’s right, the Plague Years. You won’t want to hear this, it’s all very sad — but it’s a big part of his life and something you should know about your history.
  • Expect his friends to think of you as a golddigger or other kind of lowlife, at least at first, and you’ll have to earn their trust, even if that is perhaps unfair.
  • Expect your friends to think you’ve gone insane and to say things like “what could you possibly see in that old man?” which is also unfair. Have your answer ready.
  • He’ll likely expect to always pay, at least initially. Surprise him by not letting that always happen.
  • Realize that following up and actually doing what you said you were going to do will loom large in his book, in other words, don’t be a flake, it’s hard enough introducing you to everyone as his nephew.
  • Afternoon delight is a very good thing. They even wrote a song about it. He’s much more likely to want to fool around when he’s got the energy and that’s going to be during the day.

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