Tag Archives: Gay Sex

Things That Really Changed in the Pandemic

I suppose everyone is different in how they experienced the last year and a half-plus. Still, there are things that really changed in the pandemic, although our lists will differ.

I got my Moderna booster yesterday, and I’m beyond grateful that I could get one. Also, I was pretty darn impressed by Kaiser Permanente and how quickly they seem to have ramped up and repurposed areas for vaccine administration and testing.

Blogger Getting Covid-19 Vaccine dose, February 2021

That got me thinking about how much has changed in the last 19 months or so and about how our lives are different. My life in particular, of course.

Here are the top five things that really changed during the pandemic – for me, anyway.

Exercise/Working Out

During lockdowns I was relegated to taking walks in the neighborhood, then incorporated some resistance band workouts to my routine once I was able to buy them. Slowly, I added various pieces of home equipment including a dip bar, a chin-up bar, and finally, a set of adjustable dumbbells and a legit flat bench.

Dip bar and resistance bands in apartment hallway
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Like everyone else, I was thrilled when the gyms reopened, first as an outdoor venue in a parking garage, then back to the old building with a mask mandate. Problem was, they didn’t enforce the mask mandate and I was uncomfortable, even being vaxxed myself, around maskless heavy-breathing gym bros and gals. So –

I’ve gone back to working out at home and hiking. For now.

Sex

As a single gay man of a certain age, the ready availability of partners had been dwindling already pre-pandemic but came to screeching halt once lockdowns kicked in.

I didn’t go into the pandemic with a partner or any FWB’s like I may have had earlier in life. The helpful venues we had in the community (the baths, the sex clubs) also closed down. Hookup apps don’t really work for me (I just really don’t want to meet status-unknown strangers for right-this-moment-sex at this stage of my life).

I’m ready for you, guy.

Honestly, it reminded me a lot of the fear of the early AIDS days. So basically I went back to what I did then – porn and chat lines became my closest friends. As some sex positive play venues reopen now with mask and vax mandates, I’ll be testing the waters – slowly.

Cooking for One

Can you believe I never ordered food delivery at all pre-pandemic? Yet ordering takeout to be delivered right to my door became my Saturday night treat for months during the pandemic.

It was one thing I could look forward to all week. Even though I mainly ricocheted between a gourmet burger joint and a Lebanese restaurant over and over. It was worth it.

Easy Whole Wheat Bread

Also, I continued to bake bread for myself, something I’d begun pre-pandemic. I also made a few different kinds of stews (all vegan) which I portioned out and froze. It got to be a steady habit so I’d have to say I ate more consistently and much more healthy during the pandemic. (Basically the cratering of dining out just by itself made me healthier, I could feel it both in my waistline and my wallet.)

Structure

I began to structure my solo days, and soon realized that my life had come to resemble a never-ending kind of high school schedule: The morning walk was first period PE. My creative writing/book work became second period Creative Writing/English. Firing up Mango Languages/Novela watching became third period Spanish. My piano practice became fourth period Piano/Music Theory.

Finally, the Sciatica stretching/Kegel routine became fifth period PE-lite. Then came lunch. And then I made everyday a short-schedule day so I’d have the afternoon off.

I kept this structure six days a week. On Sundays, I replaced most of it with grocery and other shopping and then cleaned the house. I ended up getting a lot done and having much cleaner floors!

Is Going Out Worth It? The New Calculation

Finally, I’ve had to make a new calculation about leaving my house for really anything at all. As in, is it really worth it? As strange as this sounds, living in Los Angeles definitely has its drawbacks, the chief one being, for me, traffic.

Closely followed by general congestion in that there’s just too many people out there. Most of the time.

Actually leaving the house: The Blogger at an Orange Line stop, waiting patiently.

Things that I do: movies – even if theaters are open, do I wanna sit in a closed theater with strangers for two hours? Maybe I’d rather watch the movie at home where I can pause it to go take a piss?

Back to the gym – do I wanna fight traffic, find parking, and spend an hour in a gym with inconsiderate unmasked bros (and gals too)? Maybe it’s more pleasant and safer working out with my own tunes in my little hybrid home setup.

The 12 Step Meetings I’ve been going to for over 30 years: Same as gym with traffic and parking. It’s so much easier to log into a Zoom call. And I don’t have to be wearing pants to do so! So there’s that.

Restaurants – the main attraction had been the company. Not the food, really. I am not a great cook, but I almost never sicken myself in my own home. I often feel sick the next day after eating out.

So yeah, I think I make a different kind of calculation for going almost anywhere – is it really worth it or can I get what I’m looking for right in my own backyard, so to speak?

I guess time will indicate whether or not these changes are permanent. At the same time I don’t intend to be a hermit.

A sense of isolation pervades all this and I didn’t/don’t like that. But I do want to make better choices for myself and the planet.

Overall, I know these pandemic changes will appear shallow to anyone who was really impacted by the pandemic by getting sick or having loved ones die, and I’m aware of that disconnect. I’m grateful every day that I have been privileged to have access not only to vaccines, but also to government actions that did their best to mitigate the pandemic’s damage in our city – and I’m talking about masks and lockdowns.

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Wanderslut 1996: A Gay Road Trip Across America

Kindle cover for Wanderslut 1996: A Gay Road Trip Diary by Jim Arnold

Just published November of 2020. Out now!

Wanderslut 1996 is a mostly true, gay nineties road trip diary. After losing his job, Joe Tobin takes his severance money and heads across the country on a solo trip – seeing the sights, getting laid, eating bad food, and perhaps, finding some enlightenment along the way. A snapshot of one American man’s gay life in the mid ‘90s. (Click on book cover or here for link to Amazon page.)

Sick of the creepy, sad fat orange loser tweeting? Sick of the pandemic? Looking for a diversion? Find out just how slutty Jimbolaya was back in the ’90s, at the youthful age of 40! Surprised even myself, actually. “Joe Tobin” is a stand-in for me, Jim Arnold.

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So far only available in ebook format – Kindle (always remind folks that Kindle is not just a physical device, it’s also an app so you can read a Kindle book on any computer, tablet, phone – as long as you have the app downloaded).

Hope you enjoy the memories — anything to get away from 2020 for even a couple of hours! (A quick read at 120 pages.)

More to come. . .

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Avoiding the Gay Friend Zone — A Few Tips

154582979_94a26fde15_zI see lots of advice tips on websites and vlogs on YouTube addressing this topic, almost always from a straight perspective, almost always the straight male perspective. About how not to be a woman’s best buddy when you would really like to be her lover.

This is also an issue in gay land. It can be even more confusing, since we find our sexual partners and most of our platonic friends from the same gender as ourselves. When you meet a new gay man, I’m sure I’m not the only one to want to classify him into either the potential dating/sex category or into the possible friend category–almost immediately. (And I am talking here about actual in-person meetings with guys, what they used to call meet-cute, not casual sex transactions delivered via smartphone or computer app —  although those certainly have their place and value.)

And it’s not always apparent which one it should be! Friend or stud? Is he available? Am I attracted to him that way and just as important, does he have an attraction to me? Sometimes further investigation or time is necessary to determine which category this man should fall into.

Does all this seem rather predatory and cold? It seems that way as I’m writing it. I guess a better world would be one where we’re all kumbayah and open to whatever gifts strangers have for us and we have for them, whether that means sex/romance, friendship, neighborliness, networking, help, education and enlightenment, mentoring, or what have you. But I do think it’s honest that people with a sex drive who are looking for possible partners classify newcomers in this binary way.

That said, in gay land I think there’s a pretty quick time limit to figure this out, if indeed sex/romance is really where you want to go with this new person. Because if nothing happens over the course of a few meetings, most of the time that means you are in the friend zone.

So, how to avoid that if your desire is on the personal side?

  • Be direct. This is no time to hope that being flirty will get picked up on or that he’s going to notice you sighing in his direction. Don’t you love a confident guy who verbalizes his desire by saying such things as “I’d like to have sex with you” or “I’d like to spend more time with you to get to know you in a personal way.” I wish that would happen with everyone. It doesn’t, because
  • We’re afraid of rejection. Because it hurts so bad. But if you can get over it, because this is numbers game, you can keep moving things along and go on to the next person. If he says no to your advances, you’re in the friend zone and that’s great. Not great if you had that crush, but yes great because “no” is as good an answer as “yes,” because it is definitive and keeps you moving.
  • Don’t wait too long to figure out what you want with him. After dating/flirting/f****ing with other gay men now for over 40 years I can tell you that you already know in your gut. Trying to decide is just a game we play with ourselves trying to avoid point #2, above (rejection). Honestly there comes a point where that spark that could’ve ignited is gone and he’s going to be your sister not your lover.
  • And it’s great having friends! Not to say that if you end up in the friend zone with someone you really wanted to go to bed with that it won’t be valuable and wonderful and a really fantastic friendship. I had such a relationship with at least one guy that was truly wonderful. And, on the opposite side, I do know at least one married gay couple that were “best friends” forever before the romance kicked in, so that can happen too.

Bonus related item: People who show outsize interest on social media want more from you than lunch once every six months. You can start making up this list of potential partners from those who “like” every photo you ever post on facebook, who retweet your tweets on a regular basis, who “like” your instagram photos, too! Not foolproof but I think it’s a good indicator that he’s interested in more than being affirmative of your social media presence.

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