Category Archives: Gay Mid-Life: Musings

That Whole Daddy Thang

My daddy photo.

OK, first of all, Alan Cumming as a daddy? I don’t think so. Also, Tom Ford is a little too fancy-schmancy to be a daddy. He can be of a certain age, for sure: most of us get there, and we’re lucky to be there. Anderson maybe, but just barely; I believe he’s what you might call prematurely gray, therefore prematurely daddy. Though I’m certainly not complaining. . . and the fourth photo, I don’t know who this guy is, but obviously that’s to my detriment, as not only is said subject quite attractive, he’s also apparently famous enough to be photographed in front of a step-and-repeat banner. I blame this not on senility but on my aversion to pop culture; I simply don’t watch enough TV. Cause let’s face it, I’m an old fart.

This is a well-written and funny article, as everything Mike Albo touches is. I enjoyed it very much. That’s not to say that this “daddy” thing is anything new at all; I think it might be new to the writer and so we all see things from our own perspective. And that’s fine.

I’ve been treading in the dangerous daddy waters now for quite a few years (more or less 15 years longer than a certain writer). And thank the goddess for that! There was a time in my late 30s – early 40s where I could not get arrested in a gay bar or in an AOL chat room (yes, Mary, I’m that old). But then age takes over, as it will, and suddenly guys my age still don’t want anything to do with me, but college men (and probably a few years older, up to about 30 or so) do.

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I started seeing younger men around the turn of the century, and I’ll never forget the first time I took a college student out to dinner (I was in my early 40s at the time). A really good way to be put in your place and to be totally ignored by the “free market” — by that I mean the turning heads at the restaurant were 100% about my very attractive dark curly-haired date, and I might as well have been invisible. Maybe I was!

I’m still “Facebook friends” with this person, though he lives a continent away now. That one either got away, or just didn’t last, but I’ve continued to enjoy the occasional attentions of men that age, always constantly amazed that they’re interested in such a difference in years.

One of the nicest things about this kind of attraction from the younger set is that they really are interested in someone who’s genuinely older; as in, there’s no expectation of a six-pack (at least of the abdominal variety) or a smooth body, no wrinkles and hair with a full complement of pigment. No, what attracts these guys is maturity in look and in attitude. Given the general unforgiving nature and youth worship of our gay culture, it’s a relief being valued for WYSIWYG (even if it might be someone’s fetish).

The one thing in the article I might take an issue with is where Mike says that his group of 40-something guys is the largest group of gay-identified men to grow older – I’d like to know where the stats on that come from. The generation that’s older – the Baby Boomers – just has way, way more people in it, gay and straight and all the rest. Even despite AIDS mortality, I think that’s still a bigger group of out gay men who are getting older.

Anyway, I’m glad daddies continue to be popular. We certainly don’t want to be going anywhere anytime soon!

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Forty Years of Gay Pride: We’re All Barbies Now

OK, I’ll be the first to admit that I get these Andrew Christian videos as soon as they’re out, via an email list (which any consumer can subscribe to) and certainly enjoy seeing hot young men frolicking in Christian’s signature undies and jockstraps (or nothing at all, in a couple of instances). In fact, one of the pleasures of actually living in L.A. is that a lot of these model types live here and you can occasionally see them in the flesh:

And yes, I took the above cell phone video at the West Hollywood Gay Pride Parade last weekend.

But there’s something about this “Audition” video that to me is a little creepy. After all, we’re also the community that just threw Bradley Manning under the bus (probably a subject for a post next week). Is this video just another expression of the general vapidity I see a once highly political and energized group of men falling into?

Let me explain. It’s not the butt-shaking and crotch throbbing I object to — actually, I rather like those parts (I had to watch the video several times just to make sure). What I do have a problem with is this video’s overt position on the value of those in the community outside a very narrow range of physical types.

In the “story” of this video, only the “hot”models are chosen to go to Vegas, and the two who are rejected — are rejected because of 1) a little extra weight and 2) body hair and 3) perhaps a lack of the right stripper moves.

The two rejects are summarily yanked off the stage by the drag emcee. All in such good fun! It’s not serious, so lighten up!
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The problem is that even such innocuous images have a deeper meaning that’s not hard to miss. Is this what we’re telling people we value? Especially the young men in our community? Because the implicit message I see here is that it’s OK, and desirable, to be a stripper or a drag queen, shave your chest and drink lots of (product positioned) vodka, but it’s not OK to have any kind of body hair or a few extra pounds.

Am I taking it too seriously? It’s underwear, for Chrissakes! Or, maybe you could just say I’m an angry, bitter old queen who saw the last of his good jockstrap days long ago.

So back to my title, Forty Years of Gay Pride (actually 44, but I’m rounding) has brought us to where we all can be Barbie Dolls – exactly – as it has brought us Marriage Equality and the end of DADT and all the other advances. The right to be stupid and shallow and make videos out of it, and the right to market underwear to a population inevitably so tiny you really have to wonder what Mr. Christian’s marketing plan really is.

The absolute right to act stupid. I guess that indeed, it’s a good thing.

Tell me what you think.

P.S. Even I can still do a better cartwheel than that guy in the video. Meanwhile, in Russia. . .

Gay Pride Meme – Another View

I saw this meme floating around at Facebook – also reposted by a well-meaning friend, who just happens to be gay as well.

He said he found it humorous and probably true. I think this was probably written by someone who meant well, perhaps someone young and earnest.

But there is just so much wrong here I can’t ignore it, and so I will lay it out for you:

Likes men, so there’s more women for the rest of us: The rest of us being, I guess, straight men. Somewhat entitled and misogynistic sounding. Perhaps someone is putting together a harem or something. Like all those girls out there are just waiting for you. I don’t think they are.
Dances with girls at the club, to keep creepy guys away. Um, no, that’s not why he’s dancing with you at the club. He’s dancing because he wants to dance, he’s generally not thinking about the creepy guys you seem to be aware of. It also appears that the meme writer has suddenly changed sexes, from male to female (see first, upper left photo).

Gives fashion advice to straight guys, to help them pick up chicks. Bwa ha ha ha ha! In reality, it’s more likely he either doesn’t notice your straight fashion faux pas or is laughing silently inside (or loudly behind your back). Honestly, he’s not really interested in whether you get to pick up chicks or not (notice, once again, the gender seems to have switched! Also, I don’t think women like being referred to as chicks – or then, maybe they do).
Can’t have biological children – adopts! Ok, dear meme writer, it’s back to sophomore biology for you! Here’s a shock: gay men are just as capable of baby-making as straight ones are – they just don’t usually choose to have sex with women for that purpose. Some do. A lot of others who want biological children use their sperm to father kids with a surrogate. Of course, it’s admirable when anyone, gay or straight, adopts a child who needs a home.

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Takes that “ugly” girl to prom, so she doesn’t have to go alone. Oh, dear meme writer, you’re just going to have to get over your fascination with positioning gay men as martyrs in the service of helping straight people out with all their sad mating problems! That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to take our own boyfriends to prom.
Orders the girly drinks straight guy friends are embarrassed to order – because they are delicious. Actually, I’ve been gay for over 5o years and have never seen this. Nor do I believe I know any gay man who thinks these drinks are delicious. More wishful thinking on your part, dear meme writer, that we’ll live up to your safe fantasy – and it’s just not true. Perhaps you can treat yourself to a few of these sugary concoctions and then you’ll feel better!

Finding their Son in the Subway

To me, this story is magical.

I see this story of the formation of a family in black and white, on film, in a 1930s or 1940s black and white film, and perhaps Anthony Russo, the New York Times artist who illustrated this Opinionator piece, got his inspiration from that same culture fount.

I’m thinking of “Heidi,” which starred Shirley Temple, and was a Saturday afternoon staple when I was a kid. For some reason (the Christmas connection, maybe? the NYC locale?) this also reminds me of “Miracle on 34th Street,” which also has a family-melding as part of the story.
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Lift me up. The judge in “Heidi” asked Shirley who she wanted to live with. Perhaps the intuitive judge in this case had seen the movie as well, and since the child in question was a mere infant, made the parental decision on a whim and a prayer?

But what I love most is that these two men, especially the writer (Peter Mercurio) were able to say yes to the unknown. Sometimes, when seemingly wild opportunities and totally unpractical ideas present themselves, what is it inside that makes us say yes? It’s opening the door to adventure, and this is really living. This is a definition of life.

Chasing After Straight Boys: Downton Abbey’s non-doubting Thomas

My totally biased, non-professional and likely hugely flawed – yet fun – psychological reading of the character of Thomas Barrow (played by actor Rob-James Collier) on Downton Abbey.

SPOILERS, perhaps, if you haven’t seen all of Season 3 of the show, so don’t read. Unless. You need to know. Minor plot things.

Guess I’m majorly fascinated by a portrayal of a character, a male who is sexually and emotionally attracted to other males, in a land before time had invented homosexuals or gay people.

Of course, I don’t mean that same-sex attraction wasn’t around then, it was. It always has been and always will be. But there weren’t the cultural conventions we have now, or the language we have now, to describe these things. In Thomas Barrow’s time (on the show so far, roughly the years 1912-1921), there was no such thing as a “gay man” or a “gay community.” These things came later, and in the particular understanding we have now of them, not until after WWII (though there were beginnings of a strong gay life in Berlin later in the 1920s, until the Nazis destroyed it, and the English had their own fey traditions and languages [polari]).

So there we have Thomas, this man with homosexual tendencies without a country of his own in a hostile environment. Can you imagine how lonely that must have been? No wonder he’s been portrayed as both someone who desperately needs approval as well as a likely rival to Machiavelli.

With his usual partner-in-crime, Miss Sarah O’Brien (played by Siobhan Finneran) Thomas is at the forefront of not only class warfare with the Granthams, but also the masters of dirty tricks and deceit among the rest of the downstairs staff.

I have to admit that at first I didn’t like this portrayal of “the gay” on the show. I thought it was negative, to show the man as so nasty just because he wasn’t getting laid. (Can’t blame Thomas for thinking that the Turkish diplomat Kemal Pemuk in Season 1 was also enchanted, I mean, he did have those good manners and nice shiny black hair and all – but as we all know, lusting after men with weak hearts just isn’t smart).

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction or impotence? Erectile dysfunction is an issue caused price for levitra due to unwanted case of penile erection. Left online levitra untreated, major organs can be seriously affected. Poorly controlled blood sugar levels cause damage to canada viagra cialis http://davidfraymusic.com/2017/02/ the blood vessels. Eat Healthy- Eating foods rich in whole grains, fruits, vegetables and low-fat dairy products can help lower your blood sugar levels in no time. levitra properien And then now, here in Season 3, after heroically, if a bit megalomaniacally serving the Crown in WWI in Season 2, here he is again chasing after straight boys – this time, the new footman Jimmy (actor Ed Speleers) – who just happens to be Miss O’Brien’s nephew.

So there is a point to all this. A modern, liberated gay man does not chase after straight boys – there is no future to this. But the absolutely perfect note here is, that this, is not a modern gay man. This is a rudderless character in 1921. So it is authentic.

My thought is even though it’s so totally NOT liberated, however, it IS totally accurate for the time. So even though Thomas was so thoroughly rejected by Jimmy when he sneaks into his room that night – it makes sense for his character to still be enthralled and to follow him around – kind of like a puppy dog, maybe hoping that the evidence of rejection was not true (after all, the evil Miss O’Brien has insisted that Jimmy is interested in Thomas, further confusing the issue). That Thomas will accept not only the beating he takes to spare his friend but also then accepts a platonic friendship from his bandaged recovery bed – when that’s not what he really really wants – that does make sense in this time of self-loathing. So I think that Julian Fellowes got it right here, and a more modern reading of the situation would have been dishonest.

Finally, I did like the protectors who come to Thomas’ defense on the show, esp. Lord Grantham, but also Mr. Bates and finally Jimmy himself, who offered his friendship to Thomas. I also found that believable, as they do present the universe of Downton Abbey as united, us against the world.

Knowing Thomas as we do, I bet there’s more to come in Season 4. Will true love find him, and will he become a kindler, gentler man? One can hope for the love but want to preserve the nastiness (please!).

Dennis Bogorad: Finding Support, Gay Men with Prostate Cancer *

Congrats to friend Dennis Bogorad for writing this great piece for Huffington Post (Dennis Bogorad: Finding Support). *

As a prostate cancer survivor, I can attest to the simple fact that a PSA test did indeed save my life. Prostate cancer runs in my family; I had it in my mid-forties (very early for this kind of cancer) and one of my younger brothers has unfortunately followed in my footsteps, so to speak. If I hadn’t had that test at 46, my doctor probably wouldn’t have ordered one until age 50, at which point it might have well been too late. Once prostate cancer metastasizes, it’s incurable.

With the proper treatment, which, in my case included surgery for prostate removal followed by two months of external beam radiation, I’ve now been (knock on wood) cancer-free for over ten years.

Also in my case, there was a support group for gay men with prostate cancer in San Francisco, where I lived at the time. Going to those bi-weekly meetings over the course of about a year was crucial for me to get a sense of how my recovery was progressing, as well as for firmly understanding that I was not alone — the sense of which can be absolutely crushing.

Prostate cancer is awful and people don’t want to talk about it. Even totally successful treatment for the disease often involves various levels of erectile dysfunction and incontinence that can linger for years or forever. It’s not a shock that no one wants to think about it – believe me, especially those of us who’ve had it.

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As more of us “come out” about these aspects of our lives, one can only assume that the quality of our recovery will improve, as well as be an example for the world at large in discussing male cancers.

That simple blood test, once a year. PSA.

Oh, and by the way, I wrote a novel very loosely based on my experiences of that time. You can find out more about “Benediction” here.

* UPDATE March 26, 2013 – Very sad to report that Dennis unexpectedly passed away in his sleep on March 24. I’m honored to have known him and to have been a part of the important work he was doing around gay men’s health issues.

Palm Springs Film Fest 2013 – What I Saw!

Three films I saw at the Palm Springs International Film Festival 2013 with gay male-related content – and my short reactions to them!** There are mild spoilers. Pls. don’t read if you don’t want to be informed.

I Do

[youtube]http://youtu.be/HzJKp-BX4oo[/youtube]

“I Do” poses the question about what an attractive gay man must do if he’s to stay in the U.S. and get his green card once his visa extension has been denied. An interesting set-up where the man in question, Jack, (David W. Ross) has also been helping a female relative raise a young girl, which is given as the main reason he wants to stay in New York. (Honestly, thoughout the film, I’m thinking, who really would want to stay in such a hateful country with such antiquated rules and with no acknowledgment of GLBT relationships, etc., but I digress – but honey, I would be on the first plane out.)

So Jack marries his lesbian pal (Jamie-Lynn Sigler) who you know best as Meadow Soprano and less best as Turtle’s girlfriend in a season or two of Entourage. Needless to say, there are complications, not the least of which is the appearance of a serious but Euro-handsome Spaniard named Mano. So Jack is left to make some pretty important decisions about his future, and along with “Any Day Now” (below) I think the filmmaker Glenn Gaylord (and Ross as the writer) made the less obvious choice, and I like that. Also, of the three movies, Jack has the least gay-stereotypical day job, in that he’s a hardworking photo-assistant type who longs to be a photographer in his own right, as opposed to (see below) working in a porno shop (Beyond the Walls) or being a drag performer (Any Day Now).

Beyond the Walls

[youtube]http://youtu.be/yT94GR_sYNQ[/youtube]

Okay, I’ve lived this movie. Not literally, but I’ve sure been the one who, at the beginning of a relationship, is not terribly interested, then becomes totally invested once the object of affection moves on. This film, about two gay men in Paris (Matila Malliarakis, Guillaume Gouix) by David Lambert felt real to me. I mean that in the sense that it was authentically about gay male relationships as I’ve known them throughout my life. From the instant, alcohol-fueled attraction, through the fantasmagorical lust phase, through the settling out of whether or not there is actually going to be a possibility of something lasting. To be honest, I really enjoyed that the younger character (Guillaume) seemed to want an older partner (hello, daddy!). Specifics are unique to this film and not my life, thank goodness, as they involve prison and drugs and melted candle wax (ouch). Well worth seeing, I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I did. And, of course, it’s set in Paris, which gives it some at-the-outset romance.

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Any Day Now

[youtube]http://youtu.be/7ghwGOuuNy0[/youtube]

Honestly, I do believe that 50-75% of straight America must think that all gay men possess this marvelous knack for dresses, makeup and drag performing – if the characters you see in gay movie after gay movie are to be believed! I don’t have that talent, but I do know some men in L.A. who do – but out of literally hundreds of acquaintances, I could probably count this bunch on one hand.

Okay. But we do know colorful, feisty characters are good for movies, and so it is with “Any Day Now,” where Alan Cumming plays the aforementioned Rudy. He’s hooked it up with idealistic lawyer Garret Dillahunt, and together they embark on a journey to adopt a neighbor boy with Down’s Syndrome, a boy (Marco) who’s abused by his drug addict mother and her male friends.

I found the movie (which is a period piece set in the late 1970s) tremendously entertaining, the set-up guaranteed to pull at your heartstrings, and I do give credit to the filmmaker Travis Fine who took us in some very unexpected directions.

** what, no snarky comments about these movies? What’s happened to you? Well, full disclosure, I work a temp gig with the Festival, so thought I’d not bite the hand that feeds. Plus, I have nothing but happy things to say about these 3 films. So STFU.

“Best” U.S. Cities for LGBT Equality

Milwaukee skyline from Lake Michigan

Interesting data! Richard Florida, the author of the “Rise of the Creative Class” books, has this post in the Atlantic Cities site, about where certain cities rate on LGBT Equality Indices – and which include criteria such as non-discrimination, relationship recognition, the municipality as employer, the municipality’s services and programs, the municipality as law enforcement, and the municipality’s relationship with LGBT community.

As might be expected, cities with the highest scores were concentrated on the West Coast and the Northeastern Corridor, those solidly (and thankfully) progressive areas which set the cultural tone for the rest of the country. But – I was delighted to see that the two cities in Wisconsin that I’ve lived in – Milwaukee and Madison – were also high on this list (as was, of course, Chicago).

Like in so many things and in so many ways – I was reading earlier today of certain states refusing to implement the Medicaid provisions of The Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), the states in the South lag far behind in LGBT equality and gay rights indices.

That report, like this one, indicates that most of the old Confederacy retains much of those 19th century values. But even there, there’s signs of change and hope – bigger cities, such as New Orleans, Atlanta, Tampa and Miami have better than average LGBT equality scores.

Another thing Richard Florida points out is that for a city to be considered “creative,” as in, will creative people want to live there and contribute to the culture, it’s got to possess the 3 T’s – which are tolerance, talent and technology. Makes sense to me.
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Related topics:

Freedom to Marry

Lambda Legal

Los Angeles Gay Center

Gay Men Don’t Get Old?

“People who wear impressive clothes have better lives.” Vivienne Westwood said this, according to the article by Simon Doonan. She invented punk and brought back the bustier, so she knew what she was talking about. Now not all gay men wear impressive clothes, but the argument could be made that all gay men in their heads wear impressive clothes.

I write this on a day where I also see that a Technical College in Beaumont, Texas, has shuttered a cosmetology program at the school so they don’t have to admit gay men.

You read that right — they axed the entire program rather than having to permit gay men to take cosmetology classes in Texas. I mean wait a minute hurr . . . isn’t Texas the place where they say “the higher the hair, the closer to God” or something like that? I’m telling you, it’s a bit like Field of Dreams – if you build the fracking cosmetology school, the gays will come. To think it would be anything different is to live in a totally alternate reality — even for Texas. And I don’t want to Texas-bash. I don’t! Even though it’s now mostly a Republican conservative-crazy state, it wasn’t always so, and demographics will have it again turning blue within a decade, most probably, if Hispanic voters stay loyal to voting Democratic. But then I’ve digressed. . .

I wanted to talk about this article, Gay Men Don’t Get Old. We do age, but the presentation is very different from the majority population. It’s a bit hard to put in words, but I think Simon does well in describing some of the defining characteristics:
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‘The primary focus of a gay life is to establish and maintain meaningful, rewarding existence.” I like this, for me it’s about self-invention. Why do we do this? Probably the biggest reason is because there are so very few role models for any kind of adult gay life. You have the occasional snippets here and there, from famous people, some alive, some long dead, but they are – at least compared to the vast hetero world – few and far between. So it basically comes down to answering the question, “how can I be the most fabulous Jim possible and make sure the world knows it?” We add a bit of the flamboyance and audaciousness we glean from those legends we hear about and those around us who’ve already made that brave journey. And thus we become our own fine inventions.

Someone please, shower me with gold coins. Sure beats turning in the plastic soda bottles at the Recycle Center.

A Gay Man’s Guide to Dating After 50 — an AARP take!

photo: AARP

Dear friends, I realize I haven’t posted in a week! I guess it was the post-Amtrak depression or something. Having to do the laundry. Exchanging the Midwest and East and South’s heatwave for the one finally arriving in California. . . but . . . I am back.

And —

Honestly, I don’t think much about gay dating. Or, really, any kind of dating. Specifically, for me, I guess that would be one middle-aged gay man looking for another middle-aged gay man (or perhaps, being more creative, looking for some inter-generational spice, which I’ve certainly done).

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Maybe I’ve already achieved tip #5 in Dave Singleton‘s list in AARP’s “The Gay Man’s Guide to Dating after 50,” which is “realizing you can be single and happy.” But before we get into that, can we please just be gobsmacked that such a story even exists on something like the AARP website? OK, kids, we have come a really long way! If you’re like me (over 50) you probably also get an insane amount of junk mail from AARP. Well, this story makes me like the organization just a little bit more.

It also allows me to put in a plug for a book that I use as a guide post to these years – “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife,” by Harold Kooden, Ph.D., and Charles Flowers — who I’ve met now that he’s moved to Los Angeles. If you have any questions or concerns about navigating those years — and who doesn’t, cause, let’s face it guys, the role models we would’ve had are largely dead and gone — they’re addressed in here. The book also provides a guided writing format for those interested in doing their own searching (loved that part!).

Anyway, back to dating. I do believe it was in this book where I read something along the lines of “it’s the shrewd older gay man who cruises on his own turf.” (quotes mine) By that, I took it to mean that instead of doing things like going to bars where the lovely twentysomethings, thirtysomethings, all hang out and impress each other, perhaps invite a suitor or a group of friends to your home, where you can show off those unique gifts of time – your cooking prowess, cultivated taste in music, thoughts on current events and literature, etc. – we all have these no matter what they are – that show off the man inside.

Thoughts? Do you date? What, exactly, is a date?