Author Archives: JimArnoldLA

Ten Reasons Younger Adult Gay Men Like Older Adult Gay Men

yes, of course I’m kidding.

From the intergenerational dating realms. . . *

It’s no secret among friends and acquaintances that I’ve often dated men younger than me, sometimes, so much younger (20s, 30s) that I could easily be my adult counterpart’s parent.

The usual response I get from gay men my own age to this is positive; they understand the attraction from my point of view, and many have been in similar situations. Female friends can be, well, less understanding, and in my experience, it doesn’t matter if they’re gay or straight women – they often just don’t understand it (but what do you talk about???)

The short answer to that is, of course, we talk about everything. But wait, what about the younger man? It’s easy to see why an older person would be attracted to younger, in fact, our entire society is based on youth worship! But what about the younger guy? What, in heaven’s name, does he see in the older fellow?

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Here’s ten reasons, totally anecdotal, taken from my own life or from what I’ve observed over the years:

Experience: from the bedroom to the boardroom, older guys usually, though not always, have a better sense of what’s going on. And will be happy to share it with someone younger/not in the know.
Decisiveness: After a certain age, a man usually knows what he wants or doesn’t want and isn’t afraid to vocalize that. Maybe it’s because we realize we don’t have all the time in the world and don’t want to waste it being uncertain.
Mature physicality: I’m constantly amazed that there’s so many younger men who are physically interested in a more mature body, whether it be for the hair, the salt & pepper color, a belly, those distinguishing lines in the face — whatever it may be, there are younger guys who specifically look for those traits.
Money: Let’s face it, some kids are gold diggers. Some older people are, too! An older guy is more likely to be more settled, and a mature relationship with finances can be an anchor during those restless days of youth. In my case, I always tell them I’m a sugar-free daddy.
Mentorship: A lot of young men are at a loss in terms of job and educational advice. They’re not getting it from home and they’re not getting it from the culture. Many of them may have run up against a homophobic brick wall and have no idea how to approach their future. Older gay men have already been through this and can provide some guidance and perspective.

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Kinks: OK, back to sex and not only that, but an entire way of looking at things. Lots of younger guys find they like things on a more, um, wild side. Older men are more likely to have worked through whatever issues – homophobic, shame-based, whatever – surround some kinky activities, and again, are happy to share experience and knowledge with someone younger.
Direction: Some young people honestly don’t know what to do and are happier when someone puts some structure into an otherwise scattershot agenda. Contrary to conventional thinking, total freedom is not necessarily always liberating.
Home: An older guy is more likely to have a home that he owns or has rented for a long time, along with some of the creature comforts and sense of place that come with that: patio furniture, TVs that work, matching dishes, more than one set of sheets, etc. Not everybody wants to live like a grad student forever.

History: Older men have the perspective of history from their own lives as well as (most of the time) a knowledge of the gay community and the struggles we’ve gone through from Anita Bryant to AIDS to D.A.D.T. and marriage equality (and a zillion things in-between). This kind of oral history or learned experience is priceless for someone open to learning about it. Finally:
Daddiness: That quality of protecting and being protected, of nurturing and being nurtured, that feeling that everything’s going to be all right as long as he’s around. That’s a powerful bond wherever it occurs — and has less to do with age than the personalities of the individuals involved.

I’m sure there are other reasons I’ve missed. What would you add?

For both this and the companion post, I’m referring to generations of adult men (over 18) only.

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The Writer’s Friend: Gary Shusett, RIP

Gary Shusett
photo: candidcoverage

So many deaths in 2013! I saw the obits for Gary Shusett while I was in New York last month helping my dad with the arrangements following the death of my aunt.

I certainly didn’t want to not remark on Gary. He was such an original of the type that you still occasionally find in Hollywood, a link between those golden filmmaking years of the 60s and 70s and today (I know it’s weird to call the 60s and 70s golden years, but it’s all relative, right).

Gary died on August 9, the day after my aunt Joan, of cancer at 72, according the obit in the Times.

I took a couple of seminars from Gary’s organization, Sherwood Oaks College, over the years, mostly having to do with access to producers and agents, always hoping for that prime bit of perfect information that gets you a foot in the door.
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Gary was remarkable in his success at getting the major folks to appear at his seminars, a constant amazement that they actually would show up. I also found him to be genuine and honest – at times brutally so, about the role of writers in Hollywood and what were the best strategies for success (which may or may not dovetail with anyone’s personal ambitions).

I also did an internship with his company on script coverage, which was good training as well as just good for a writer to know how scripts and short stories (we read a lot of science fiction) are evaluated by readers.

He will be missed. I don’t know who will fill that void, but I certainly hope it’s someone. Another great loss from the writing/mentor world, who joins beloved teacher Linda Palmer in that Big Writers’ Room upstairs.

Car-Free in L.A.? The list of where to live.

Magnolia Boulevard in Valley Village

I was happy this piece in Metro’s The Source highlighted NoHo (specifically the NoHo Arts District) as one of the places in L.A. where it is most conducive living Car-Free or Car-Lite.

I live in Valley Village, which I guess I’d call NoHo-adjacent, and by this proximity, can also boast to be a good option for the Car-Free.

I’ve been pleasantly surprised over the (now two years, how time does fly) time I’ve lived here at how convenient the neighborhood is to my specific lifestyle – as the referenced Walkscore website puts it, “most daily errands do not require a car.” What they don’t tell you is what the criteria are for walkability distance, i.e., I know from personal experience that what I think is a reasonable walk another person might think of as a death march.

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But truly, the usual places one needs: grocery, drugstore, movie theaters, restaurants, library, coffeehouse, yoga studio, park, gym, elementary, junior and senior high schools, public transit stops, farmers market, gay and other bars, etc. are all within easy walking or easy walking and biking distance.

The other neighborhoods The Source deems perfect for Car-Free living include Culver City, Koreatown, DTLA and Pasadena. I would also have included Los Feliz, my former neighborhood, which still has a huge place in my heart – and is very conveniently located to all amenities and is also a hub for Metro lines, bus and rail. And, it’s got Griffith Park. Hard to beat that.

C’mon, Share, Kids, You Know You Want To.

photo thanks cleanairgardening

Or even if you don’t, you can’t afford to not share anymore.

I wanted to share this NYT piece about sharing – even though it’s a couple of months old, I agree that the new sharing paradigm is important, and wanted to acknowledge Tina Rosenberg’s opinionator.

Access, rather than ownership, is what drives the future of commerce, according to this theory.

**ANOTHER UPDATE: Los Angeles Times ran a story today on Airbnb issues in Silver Lake.

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When I was a little kid, I never really understood why everyone on the block had to have their own lawnmower – mowing was such an odious task (I grew up before the explosion of the service economy, so dads and kids – and the occasional mom, to be sure – took care of the yard work). I hated cutting the grass. We tried to avoid it as long as possible. The truth was, though, the longer the grass got the harder it was to mow with those manual push mowers (see above), which is what we had. But I digress. The point I was trying to make is that the mower was used maybe once a week, once every two weeks if there wasn’t much rain. So the “block” we lived on probably could have shared one or two mowers if someone had figured out how to organize it. (I’m sure there were smarter localities that probably did. BTW, the photo isn’t of anyone I know.)

I previously posted on car-sharing your own car; in the end I opted to sell it instead and become car-free.

Rosenberg divides the new sharing economy into what are called full mesh schemes (like Zipcar) and own-to-mesh (like Airbnb, etc). Full mesh means a company owns something and rents it out (as in cars, for Zipcar) and own-to-mesh is a gazillion little owners renting out what they have, like Airbnb, or like the personal car sharing companies I talked about in my previous post.

I never understood why people didn’t share WiFi in small apartment buildings or areas that could be wired appropriately – like they already do in office buildings or hotels. Obviously, the telcos have much dinero to lose and that’s why they’ve “encouraged” everyone to lock up their WiFi. (For those of you who’ve been on it a long time, you know this was not always the case and most people didn’t password-protect their service when it was first rolled out.)

I’ve even heard of people who make their monthly rent by renting out a few nights on Airbnb and staying elsewhere – even, at times, in their cars (if they have them) – which seems a little extreme to me, but hard times can call for desperate measures. Maybe Airbnb is the 21st Century equivalent of the “rent party?”

But how does this all work in a system where the economy is dependent on consumerism and continued consumer spending, largely made possible by debt? Well, the answer is kind of simple. It doesn’t work for that kind of economy.

Perhaps we’re on the threshold of something new, both for the way we live our lives and for the health of our yearning to be sustainable, finite planet. (But expect a lot of wailing and gnashing along the way. It won’t be pretty.)

Living in L.A. Without a Car: Airport Connections — and Connecting

photo by Victor L Antunez

I love cities where the urban planners have had the foresight to make the airport fairly painless to get to (thinking of Heathrow in London, right away). Believe me, this is not usually the case, especially in the U.S., what with our still crazy dependence on the private automobile making us anything but independent (the very thing it was supposed to do, for all of us, was to make us our own sovereign masters of travel. But don’t get me started. . .)

I recently took a trip from LA to New York, and since it was relatively last minute, the best deals were from LAX (which I try to avoid) even though I live much closer to that easy Burbank Airport. So that was not an option this time.

This post would be more accurately described as the various ways to get to and from the airport, and certainly not specific to car-free folks – cause you’d have to be crazy to drive yourself to the airport for anything other than a weekend getaway. Right? Or am I just crazy, not realizing that people throw good money away on long-term parking fees that add up really fast?

Maybe they do. So OK, then perhaps this will be enlightening, or maybe it won’t.

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I was gone for 20 days. So if I drove myself, I’d have that convenience, perhaps, and let’s just estimate the long term parking charge at $6/day, so that would cost $180, plus gas and whatever your time is worth.

I’m sure there are people who do this and don’t blink an eye. I’m not one of them.

The other ways I know of to get to the airport include 1) asking friends for a ride 2) taking a cab 3) taking one of the shuttle services 4) taking public transport.

This trip my plane was wheels up at 6:15 a.m., so I didn’t even consider asking a friend for a lift. I live in the close-in Valley, so I figured a cab would probably be somewhere in the $80-100 range, again, not really what I wanted to pay for this.

I generally dislike the shuttle services – because they pick you up so far ahead of time – this trip because of the early early hour there was no viable public transportation option (unless I wanted to go very late the night before, and stay overnight waiting for my plane – ummm, no thanks.)

So I did take Super Shuttle – they picked me up at 3:35 a.m. for that 6:15 flight. It cost about $38, which included a 10% tip and a 10% discount (I found a discount code on the internets that actually worked). Oddly, there was no traffic on the 405 at that hour so we got there in about half an hour – before even the TSA is open. I always assumed they were there 24 hours a day, but apparently not.

Coming back, I was able to make use of my preferred method – FlyAway Bus, Red Line Subway, Orange Line Bus. It cost $10. I took the FlyAway from LAX to Union Station, the Red Line subway all the way to North Hollywood, and the Orange Line Busline one stop to Laurel Canyon, which is about 2 + blocks from my house.

Prior to leaving NYC, my father asked me, if cost wasn’t an option, wouldn’t you rather just take a car? (As in, I think he meant, a taxi) I had to think, would I? I think no, not really. Because it’s not all about the cost. It’s about the ability to actually do this kind of a trip using public transportation options. Since I’m a writer, I really see the value in the “closeness” to my fellow passengers — because I don’t experience too much of anything new in a closed up car all by myself. The subway is a never-ending panorama of life in the Big Orange, including its ugliness and unconventionality. I’m constantly striving to fill up that depleting well inside. Being an integral part of the city (and immersed in it) is a way to make that happen.

Other New York: The 9/11 Memorial, The New WTC Building, and Zuccotti Park

The new World Trade Center tower

9/11 Memorial South Tower

9/11 Memorial, North Tower

David Angell – who I’d met

Mark Bingham, one of the SF heroes of Flight 93

and Zuccotti Park, a sleeping giant

Not that there was any theme to my recent trip to NY than to help with family matters — but I did want to see the 9/11 Memorial.

It’s free, you need to get a timed reservation which cost $2 for processing online; however, the morning I went (Sunday at about 11 a.m.) they were letting people without reservations in and I don’t think there was any wait for it.

As you can see in the pictures, the memorial pools are stunning. It’s impossible to see the bottom of the drain, so to speak, from the viewing areas around the perimeters of the fallen towers’ footprints. So for all you know, they go down to the center of the earth.

Even though there are signs everywhere reminding folks that this is a place where a mass murder happened, there were the usual groups of tourists posing for photos with the dramatic backdrop. Can’t say I blame them, really, as the very act of showing up serves to remember that day.

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I took pictures of a couple of names: David Angell, who was a writer/producer on TV shows such as “Cheers” and “Wings,” I had met and in fact interviewed when we both worked on the Paramount lot. He and his wife were passengers in one of the planes that day.

Mark Bingham was a gay man from San Francisco who is thought to be one of the people on Flight 93 who fought the terrorists back. He was well-known in the community, and was involved with the gay rugby team. The night of September 11, a community shrine went up for him (as well as for the other 9/11 victims) at the corner of 18th and Castro in San Francisco.

There’s the new WTC, now topped off and looming over Manhattan, an enormous structure. Then finally, I took a photo of Zuccotti Park, just blocks away. Now cleared of Occupy Wall Street, you’d never even know they were there. I can’t help but feel this is a sleeping giant we’ll be hearing a lot more from in the next few years – and that’s a very good thing.

Joan Arnold, 1920 – 2013

Joan Helen Arnold

Tomorrow — Friday, August 16 2013, we will memorialize and bury my aunt Joan Arnold, who died last week (August 8, 2013) in a New York hospice at the age of 92.

The day before she died she told us that she wanted to get strong enough to return to work: “You know, I’m a workaholic,” she said. A pretty amazing force of nature, Joan had one job – and still had it the day she died – for at least 70 years, all of which were spent at Barnes & Noble Booksellers. Which means she started working for that company – which was only a local bookstore back then – during World War II. She once joked to me that they had to keep her on, at least to shelve the books, because she was the only one there who knew the alphabet, a not so subtle dig at how educational standards have fallen.

A single straight woman who never married and had no children, Joan was always a role model for me as she was so totally comfortable in pursuing her single life in the big city, always fiercely independent, even last year refusing to be walked up to her apartment door by a middle-aged relative. “I do this by myself every day,” she said, adamantly.

She led an enormously busy life as well. A season ticket holder to the Metropolitan Opera, I think she also saved every single Playbill for every play she ever attended – and she went to the theater constantly. Not odd, as she was a former actress and stage manager, having appeared in many Off and Off Off Broadway plays in the 1940s and 50s.

“Rehearsal–Robert Carson, director of the Tophatters, gives final instruction to his leading ladies before curtain goes up … on the off-Broadway group’s presentation of ‘The Wallflower’ at the Central Y. M. C. A., Hanson Place. At left is Joan Arnold. Beverly Zatt, center, plays the title role.” (1952)

One of the things I always admired about Joan was her volunteerism – within the last couple of years, she was still helping out at her church, where she made sandwiches for the homeless, as well as at the Natural History Museum (close by in her Upper West Side neighborhood) where she was working on a project cataloguing local island birds.

In the past, she was honored by former mayor Ed Koch for her work with the blind.

Next week we’ll leave her apartment forever to the NYC rental wars. This is bittersweet. This is the first place I ever stayed in NYC, as an impressionable child attending the 1964 New York World’s Fair, as well as the launching pad for my first solo European trip in 1974. When I visit New York in the future, I won’t have a living relative here, which seems very odd.

Yet Joan leaves an enormous legacy of spirit. I’m always searching for appropriate models to guide me on that future path. She’s always been near the top of that list, and will continue to be. Farewell, Joan. I’m honored to have walked you home.

A little bit more on Joan’s life, from my dad:

Joan was born in Akron, Ohio. The family moved to the New York city area in the 1920s and eventually settled In the Bay Ridge area of Brooklyn. Joan graduated from Our Lady of Angels grade school and Bay Ridge high school, and completed her education at Alfred University in upstate New York.

She graduated magna cum laude, majored in English and drama and won her class literary prize. Joan liked to travel. Besides seeing most of the USA, she also made trips to Russia, China and Egypt as well as western Europe.

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farewell

(Services were Friday, August 16 2013 at the Crestwood Funeral Home in New York; burial was at St. Charles Cemetery in Farmingdale, NY.)

The Forest Dark: Eden’s Apthorp

The Apthorp, Broadway entrance.

Just happen to be in NYC this week, and thought I’d stroll over and snap a picture of the grand old entrance to the Apthorp apartments, where Eden von Eiff has a tiny but mortgage-free apartment in my novel “The Forest Dark.” I waited for awhile hoping reality might follow fiction but alas, there was no Eden egress!
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Jim Arnold Communications August Newsletter

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