Herewith: an introvert’s experiences with the teamplayeritis that infects Corporate America.

I’m not aware of any research that suggests teams are the optimal way to organize work or businesses – please enlighten me if you have them, send them my way, and I will link and then apologize, for perhaps not being a team player or just being lazy. (Which, no doubt, is probably a big sin in teamplayer land.)

Why was I thinking of this? I was probably ruminating on the benefits of the current part-time job I have, which is for a small business, as in really small, one owner and several part-time consultants —  and how different that is than places I’ve worked in the past.

WTF is it with the sports metaphors, anyway? Management types must know in their dark hearts how even the thought that our work is going to be organized like a high school sports team will only elicit nausea in a not insignificant portion of the evolving “team.”

And they will hate your sorry ass for it. Never ever forgiving you.

And the language they use to pepper the day with: “touch base;” “Mary hit one out of the park;” “That’s a slam dunk;” “do a hole in one with this project, guys” and my uber-hated favorite of all time: “at the end of the day” — which always seemed to me to be default language that makes a conclusion sound “true,” whether it is or not.

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Please. These are jobs, not teams. The only reason the vast majority of your people work there is that’s what they must do to pay for food and a roof over their head. Nobody with a life outside of work really gives a flying fuck about your team.

Teamplayeritis deleterious effects:

Staying late. Nobody wants to be the first to leave for the day! Whether you have to make it home to feed the kids (or the dog), go to sports practice, a movie or just a few blessed minutes to take a short nap, the first to leave is invariably thought of as NOT a TEAM PLAYER. Cause they wouldn’t leave if they were.

Meetings, meetings, meetings! I think people at corporations hold regular meetings where nothing gets done because they want to create the illusion that what they’re spending their day doing is important, or that it serves some purpose. Usually, I found meetings useless. Then again, it’s a way to fill time if you have to stay at the job all day long. You probably could get the work done in one or two hours, but you had to stay all day. Why, again?

Agreeing. People agree with you (in corporations) for all sorts of reasons. They may want a raise (if you’re the boss) or a promotion. They may want to be your friend or hope to have sex with you. They may just want you to shut up and it’s the path of least resistance. Actually agreeing with your position on an issue may not be a part of it at all.

Consensus. Like a group “agreeing.” Not valid, know why? Because it’s fraught with attrition. Teamplayers are practically frothing at the mouth to get out of whatever seminar/meeting requires the consensus, so they’ll nod to just about anything. Even if they don’t concur.

The loudest person wins. Now I know there’s science behind this one, I actually remember it from Sociology 101 back in undergrad. If you don’t believe me here, listen to talk radio or watch Fox Hate News. The loudest idiot on the team — not the smartest necessarily or the one with most insights/experience — most often wins. For those to whom teamplayeritis comes naturally, developing a hog-calling voice may be the best advice.

Favors extroverts. See loudest, above. American business values people who have extroverted personalities, and those who are quieter or introverts are pushed aside and often mistrusted. “What is wrong with her? Why is she so quiet? Is he a psycho?” etc. This is simply not fair or good business – introverted personalities are often those who come up with brilliant solutions to problems. On. Their. Own.

False values in hiring. HR departments, and hiring managers themselves, almost always ask the question about giving examples of when you were a great team player and how you worked so well with others. Truthful or hesitant answers to these questions will screen out those lone wolves who may make a great leap forward for your organization – and all because you subscribe to the idea that it’s always a good idea to work in teams.